


You Will Search the Oceans (You Will Find Me No More)

by doctornemesis



Category: Avengers (Comics), Avengers Assemble, Captain Marvel (Marvel), Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Coma, Emotional Hurt, F/F, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Hospitals, Internal Struggle, Love, One-Sided Relationship, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-24
Updated: 2013-03-24
Packaged: 2017-12-06 09:10:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/733972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctornemesis/pseuds/doctornemesis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jessica looked out at the city of New York, rationalizing that the lights that sparkled near and far were not stars but human invention. Jessica wondered how a city so bright could be so dark, dipped in crime and depression, she wondered how anyone could breathe here, stacked on top of one another; the poor carrying the weight of the wealthy. If Carol was here, she could make sense of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Will Search the Oceans (You Will Find Me No More)

**Author's Note:**

> 1.) This work is apart of the Avengers Table challenge. The theme: Stars.
> 
> 2.) The title is loosely taken from the song 'Look For Me, Baby' by The Kinks.
> 
> 3.) Criticisms and Reviews are both welcomed.
> 
> 4.) Any and all mistakes are mine.

 

****

The sun drifted to a fading ember of rusted orange, clouds once abundant were now dispersed, leaving Jessica Drew alone atop the roof of St. Francis Hospital, pleading with a universe that refused to heed her cries. The sleeveless dress she wore left her bare to the world around her; exposed to the pain she felt, shoulders slumped forward and shaking as she continued to sob, fingers laced together as she continued to pray. She prayed for the universe to right the wrong it had made, she prayed for it to fix her.

A breeze swept her hair across her face, the soft smell of rain drowning her senses. Jessica sobbed harder, her ribs crushing beneath the force of her anguish. “ _Please_ ,” she cried, wrapping her arms around her body, holding herself together by a thread. “Please, I’ll do anything,” she tried again, stopped and started, paralyzed by fear.

The images were all distorted; blurred in black and white. A wailing scream crept up behind her, moved in around her. Jessica placed her hands over her ears, trying to silence the world that continued to crash down around her. Her lungs felt deprived of oxygen, throat constricted. Jessica felt faint, head spinning as she fought to remain standing, to brave the storm that threatened to tear apart everything that once held her together.

The sound of gravel crunching beneath the weight of steel boots drew her attention; disoriented and frightened, she turned around, distraught at the sight of Steve. The pull of his lips grew more severe in demeanor at the sight of her, one arm outstretched in front of him as he reached out to her. Jessica shook her head, another sob racking throughout her body as she took one step away from him, and then another. With a deep, choked breath, she shut her eyes and bit the inside of her cheek.

“Stay... _stay_  away from me. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this, Steve.”

****

  
******▩▩▩▩▩******  

 

The rain that fell that morning didn’t deter Jessica from her destination as she navigated through the busy streets of New York, nor did it dampen the  mixture of elation and nervousness she felt at finally, after so many years, owning up to what it was she felt for Carol. An elderly woman tripped over the curb as she hobbled to cross the street, Jessica catching her before her face connected with the sopping wet concrete, never losing her umbrella in the process. The old woman clapped her hands together. “Ay, _dios!_ Gracias, gracias dear. I almost fell and broke my face, yes?” she said, thanking her with a laugh through false teeth and large framed glasses.

Jessica smiled, her hair swept back into a loose bun that only intensified her charm.“With a beautiful face like yours? Not a chance,” she said, noticing the mustard colored umbrella trampled under their feet, tattered and twisted. “Here.”

The woman shook her head. “Oh, no. No, I don’t need it.”

“Please, for me,” Jessica begged, offering her her umbrella again. “I know it’s not as pretty, but it’ll keep your head dry.”

Thick lens turned upward as dark eyes stared at the black stretch of plastic hovering over their heads. Sighing, she relented, taking the handle from Jessica. “Okay, but only because I’m being nice,” she said with a wagging of her finger. “You come by my husbands restaurant later,  he’ll make you some café-con-leche with a little cheese in it. We’ll get you something warm to eat.”

Jessica took the business card she offered, reading the two names listed at the bottom. “Thank you, Doris, I think I will if all things go according to plan.”

Doris’ smile grew wider as she patted Jessica’s cheek. “Of course they will, a woman like you deserves good things.”

Jessica felt the water that fell in small drops hit her head, drenching her hair until it unraveled down along her shoulders. The ruby red of her trench coat matched the color of her luckiest dress, contrasting against the bleak and darkened sky. Jessica wanted to vitalize her best physical assets, and in doing so, kept to her iconic color. Jessica wasn’t a fool; however, she knew the best way to seduce Carol was to attract her mind as well as her sense of adventure. Jessica felt a bit discouraged at that notion, shaking water that had found its way into her flats as she stood in front of Carol’s apartment building, fear mounting. To think, she had felt much braver a mere five minutes ago.

Jessica took a deep breath, squaring her shoulders back as she took the first step. She wasn’t going to let her insecurities get the best of her this time. Jessica couldn’t understand what brought Carol to this place, the stairs were sticky and the people less than friendly. Well, with two obvious exceptions; Marina and her daughter, Katherine. The latter of whom sitting outside of Carol’s door, dressed like a miniature Captain Marvel.

“Hey, Kit, what are you doing sitting out here?”

“I’m waiting for Carol, but she isn’t answering the door,” she said, chin in hand.

“What do you mean?” Jess asked, lips pursed as she frowned for the first time that day.

“I mean, my mom’s at work and Carol’s supposed to drop me off at school, but she’s not answering. I keep telling her I’m going to be late, but nothing happens.”

“Kit, I need you to stay put, okay? No matter what, you stay right where you are. Do you understand me, kiddo?”

Jessica helped her up from the ground, noticing the worry that crossed her eyes as she said, “Yes.”

Jess held up her pinky. “Promise me, Katherine.”

Kit scuffed the toe of her converse sneaker against the ground, but mirrored Jess’ gesture. “Promise,” she said even though Jessica knew it killed her to do so.

********  
  


“Carol?” Jessica called out, removing her key as she entered the modest apartment. Stepping out of her shoes, she laid them in front of the door. “You have a late night, or something?” she added, the sound of her own voice keeping her relatively calm.

The windows were open, curtains billowing as Carol loved the sound of an honest downpour. Jessica froze, the smell of rain mingling with the smell of something burning; and as she headed closer towards the kitchen, she noticed puffs of gray and black smoke surging upwards towards the ceiling, charring it black. Jessica felt panic beginning to set in as she inched closer, removing her coat in case she needed to channel it as a weapon. The number of scenarios that ran through her mind did not prepare her for what she was about to encounter. She knew, for the nightmares to come, this would be the most horrific.

Carol’s body laid on the kitchen floor, limbs twisted and rigid with her head turned to the side, a pool of dried blood trickled down from her nose. Her eyes were glossed over, and Jessica’s mind couldn’t discard the memory of the mangled umbrella from earlier. Chewie laid at Carol’s feet, remaining by his owners side as he thought to protect her; one slipper still on her foot, the other displaced beside her. The gas stove remained on, heat from the persistent flame having warped the frying pan, singing all within reach. Jessica abandoned her coat without a moments thought, dropping to her knees as tears clouded her vision, searing her cheeks as her hands hovered above Carol’s face, too afraid to touch her.

Carol’s hair appeared a halo above her head, fanned out in loose waves. The soft, white terry cloth robe she wore felt warm against her cold skin. Jessica began to gasp, struggling to breathe as she pushed past the point of panic into despair, lungs unwilling and unable to function at the thought of her being dead. Jessica’s hands trembled as she reached down, turning Carol’s face up as she leaned close, listening and watching for any signs of life. A choking sob rose from deep within her core as Carol remained motionless, void of both warmth and breath.

A child’s scream pierced through the silence. A promise broken.

****

**▩▩▩▩▩**

****

“You can’t run away from this. She _needs_ you.”

The rain had stopped at noon that day, the sun appearing high in the sky, shining down as the ambulance came. The sun was not the largest star in the universe, but it was to this planet, and how _dare_ it mock them. She distanced herself with anger, hands balled into fist as fresh tears formed and faded down her chin. Jessica stared down at her feet, they were bare, she had forgotten her shoes. The sun was gone, and it left her cold.

“How. _Dare_. You,” she spat, staring him down as the best part of her withered and died.

Jessica’s proudest moment, her one redeeming act, was saving Carol from perdition. Carol, who had no memories, no recollection of who she was, clinging to Jessica for guidance. The pain Rouge had caused her, the pain _all_ of them had caused her. Jessica never forgave them for that, any of them, and while she listened, and while she sympathized, she never feared that one day, she too, would be forgotten. If Carol woke up at all.

A vicious, volatile voice taunted her, willing her to believe that this was somehow her fault. That, because Jessica loved her, Carol was condemned to a fate such as the one she had suffered. The back of her hands were stained with the remnants of her kohl liner, pale and foreign to her; nothing made sense. She just wanted something, _anything_ to make sense. The fear and the desperation, the hurt and the regret, the cowardice and the desire to flee, those all made perfect sense to her.

Jessica emerged as a child trapped in a woman’s body, and she often felt that way even now. Steve moved closer, and so Jessica moved further away, closer ever closer to the ledge. Jessica looked out at the city of New York, rationalizing that the lights that sparkled near and far were not stars but human invention. Jessica wondered how a city so bright could be so dark, dipped in crime and depression, she wondered how anyone could breathe here, stacked on top of one another; the poor carrying the weight of the wealthy. If Carol was here, she could make sense of it.

The anger resurfaced, Steve’s words hitting her hard, stomach churning as she met his gaze. “ _What right do you have_?” she whispered, clutching the fabric of her dress in her hand, teeming with agitation, but not at him. “Who _are_ you to ask that of me?” Carol used to laugh at her sometimes when she got mad, she would say that her accent grew thicker. Carol wasn’t able to say that now.

“A _friend_ ,” he said with a dip of his chin, blonde hair shaved close, eyes tired and five o’clock shadow well overdue. “Jessica, I’m your friend and your teammate. And I’m Carol’s friend and teammate.”

“No.”

“She’s in there somewhere, and she _needs_ you. Jessica, you’re one of the strongest people I know. You’re a soldier; a fighter, and you need to _fight_ for her.”

Jessica winced, she didn’t want to hear it. She didn’t deserve friends, and she didn’t deserve love. “I can’t,” she said, circling around Steve with a distraught look about her. “I can’t do this.”

Jessica did what she had always done; she ran away.

****

**▩▩▩▩▩**

****

The pounding of her heart flooded her ears, head a tangled mess as she made her way through the hospital, running as fast as she could from a reality she couldn’t face. The smell of disinfectant, sterile and distant, made her sick to her stomach; the fluorescent lights blinding her  as she stumbled her way from one hallway to another. A nurse tried to catch her, but she out maneuvered him, opening one door after another, running through a maze of sickliness and death. A pressure began to build insider her, threatening to release at any moment as her bare feet slapped against the frigid floor. The white of the walls were splattered with blood, a man bleeding out in the hall of the emergency room.

“What are you doing here? Get out! Get out now before I call security,” a short woman yelled, the hazel-green of her eyes lit like flames. A doctor losing a patient. A doctor fighting to save a life, staying there until the very end.

Jessica ran, exiting through a secure door as hoards of people came through, needing help for one reason or another. The clearness through large glass windows told her she was almost out. She was almost free. A roaring cry hit her ears, rattling her brain as she came to a sudden halt, looking around for the source of such a mournful sound. A young girl, no older than twelve, cradled an infant in her arms, blonde hair tangled in a lopsided ponytail, pale face flushed red, blue eyes stained with tears as she launched into a frenzy.

“I’m the only thing she has left, I’m the _only_ thing she has left! I’m not going anywhere, and you can’t make me!” she screamed, whispering to the baby in her arms who continued to wail. She inhaled deeply, hiccupping as she choked down a sob, her eyes pleading. “She’s my mom.”

Jess wiped her eyes, hands shaking as she took a good look around her. A husband comforted his wife, a father his daughter, a sister her brother. If she walked out now it would be all over, she would never come back from this. Jessica owed Carol so much more than that. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, taking the girl’s hand into her own, much to the administrator’s chagrin.

Jessica raised a hand to silence any further argument. “I’m an Avenger, and you’re interfering with Avenger business.”

****

**▩▩▩▩▩**

****

The ache in her chest felt faint but ever present as she stepped within an elevator that promised to get her where she needed to go. Ella’s mother, Loren, was in critical condition. A simple infection had spread into her bloodstream, resulting in a severe case of septic shock. A flaw in the immune system allowed this to happen. A flaw in a crucial design plan.

Carol’s flaw laid in the planning of her brain; her flaw laid in her ability to do too much, and push too hard. Jessica laid her hand over her chest, willing herself to breathe as the elevator stopped, and the doors slid open. A different place; a different time, maybe this could have worked. If it wasn’t all falling apart in front of her, maybe _they_ could have worked. Carol would swoop in to save her, and take her far from here, to a new home thousands of miles away, where they could build a life together, plan a future, and watch the night sky as the stars danced for them with no interference from man.

Steve regarded her first, a faint smile to his lips as his cheeks bled red. Jessica knew he had been crying mere moments before her arrival. Monica stood adjacent from him, arms crossed as she bit the skin around her thumb, refusing to look at anything other than the space above Steve’s and Tony’s head. Natasha regarded her with a scowl, eyes studying her with no real malice, concern etched in the way her fingers grazed the side of her arm. “It’s good to see you,” she said, leaving it at that. Jessica nodded, barely holding it together.

The hall was full, practically overflowing with people who all knew and cared for Carol. The sight made Jessica proud, her stomach tensing as she drew near the door; Kitty, Ororo,  Logan and Rouge huddled together on the wall adjacent from her. Wendy, Marina and Kit watched as she stopped in front of them. Luke and Jessica Jones looked ready to interfere at a moments notice. Ororo took Jessica’s hand into hers, no sense of hesitation to be found in her open embrace. “I’ve known Carol for many years, and she has saved my life― _all_  of our lives―on more than one occasion. She means so much to so many.”

Jessica nodded her head, lost for words at her kindness. Logan patted Rouge on the back, comforting her as she wept. “All my fault,” she choked out, hiding her face under her jacket. Jessica didn’t know what to say to her, but felt she had to do something as she took Rouge’s gloved hand, squeezing it once.

“You can’t blame yourself forever,” Jessica said, her voice low and grave before she turned her attention to where it needed to be.

“Oh, no. I’m an old woman, you can’t kick me out,” Tracy said, blanket thrown over her shoulders as she sat in a recliner next to Carol’s bed. Carol, who laid motionless. Carol, hooked up to machines that kept her up and running as though she were a program instead of a person. Jessica wanted to crawl out of her skin.

“Tracy, I can’t. I can’t find it in me to even argue with you, but I will physically pick you up, and put you outside if it comes down to it...because I’m here, and I always will be. I swear to anyone...anything out there, that I will always be here for her.”

Tracy tilted her head down, grinning from ear to ear as her chin touched her chest, chuckling. “I knew it,” she said, her words a mixture of laughter and sorrow. Jessica had never seen Tracy cry; it was unsettling. “I knew you could pull your weight. I knew I didn’t have to worry about you.” Jessica didn’t know what to do or say, and so she said and did nothing. “Well, don’t just stand there! Help a poor, old woman up!”

Jessica did as told, and when Tracy embraced her instead of pushing her away, Jessica held her tight. Jessica felt a surge of strength course through her. “Thank you,” she whispered, tired eyes filled with hope. If Tracy had faith in her, Jessica knew she could pull through this.

“She’s in there somewhere, goddamn it. I respect that doc, but she’s wrong. Carol will prove them all wrong, she’ll do it.”

After a minute or ten, Jessica couldn’t be certain,Tracy let go of her, and Jess took a seat in the recliner, folding her legs underneath her as she studied the still body beside her. Carol never had a sense of stillness about her, not even when she slept. A trembling hand reached out, Jessica afraid to touch her, fearful that Carol would be cold; spread her fingers against her hand, tearful when she felt a faint bit of warmth. Jessica began to sob, studying Carol’s lifeless face as she laid her head upon her lap, gripping her hand tighter. The pain grew and grew still as hours passed by, and still no change.

“I’m not leaving you,” she said, muttering as her eyes grew weary. “Never.”

Jessica closed her eyes, and when they next opened, she was greeted to a pair of sapphires looking down at her. Carol’s mouth pulled to the left, a deep crease resting in between her brow as she continued to watch her without a word. Jessica sat up, noticing the large, yellow track jacket around her shoulders. Luke. The headache she felt intensified as she unfurled her legs, never looking away from her.

Carol removed her hand from Jessica’s, placing both of them on her lap as she fidgeted, smoothing and creasing the blanket covering her lap. “Who are you?”

Jessica swallowed hard, taking a deep breath as she turned her attention upward, her tears blurring the fluorescent lighting as they twinkled in her eyes. If time could heal, maybe these handmade stars could shine. Jessica fought the urge to wince, pursing her lips together as she looked back at Carol, they were chapped and raw with heartache. A woman like her deserved good things. “A _friend_.”    

                          

 

       

 


End file.
